How to Help My Child Succeed in School: The Personal Side

EDITOR:  After recent Dr. Jeong’s recent webinar, many audiences requested to hear more about personal experiences and feelings as a first generation immigrant parent. This article is a follow-up article on those topics.

By Dr. Youngsul Jeong

I wanted to follow up on my seminar to write about a virtue I regarded highly in helping my son for his schooling years and his life after: establishing a relationship.

I am a first-generation immigrant parent. I attended elementary, middle, high school, and college in Korea. My first and only personal experience with an American education was graduate school, so when it came time for my son to start his schooling, his entire school curriculum, from pre-school to college, and the philosophy of American schooling was all new to me. As I experienced the American education system indirectly through my son’s eyes, it came with a mix of culture shocks and envy. For example, it was shocking to see teachers and students have a mutually-respectful, more mentorship-like relationship, rather than the hierarchical teacher-student relationship that was more prevalent in Korea. I was envious that the students here got to be exposed to and be a part of various sports programs for each season and extracurricular activities at school, which I believed resulted in raising a more well-rounded student.

Since I received most of my schooling in a local city in Korea from the 1970s to the 1980s, I felt that between the cultural and generational differences, my schooling advice may not be very practical or relevant for my son. Not only is there a generation gap between us, but there is also a cultural difference between us. I grew up Korea. He’s growing up in the United States as a “generation Z” child. Furthermore, the education system of Korea back in the 1970s-1980s and the education system of the United States in the 2000s and onwards is not only culturally different, but also philosophically different. Taking all of this into consideration, I decided to remain an “observer” rather than a “coach” with regards to my son’s education. This decision not only gave me the opportunity to learn more about my son, but it also played an important role in establishing a healthy relationship with my son.

In my generation, parents and teachers were more akin to “coaches”. Their advice were generally thinly veiled “commands”. I didn’t want this kind of relationship with my son. I believe that “coaching” is not always the right approach, and that is why I never passed down to my son the advice I got from my parents and teachers with regards to schooling. To be honest, I was afraid of passing down my own and my generation’s preconceptions and prejudices to my son, which I believed could result in unintended, negative consequences of their own later in his life. Therefore, I became more an “observer.”

So what are the actions of an “observer”? Let’s take time management as an example. As an “observer,” I did not put into place a curfew or put restrictions on his video gaming and social-network web browsing. Rather, I patiently watched how he managed his time and worked. That way, he was given the opportunity to practice managing his own time, take accountability for the consequences that followed, both good and bad, and learn to adjust his life style accordingly. As with anything, time management takes practice, and it is a skill that is person-dependent. What works for me won’t necessarily work for him, so by me taking on an “observer” role, he was able to practice and master his time management skills as he was growing up.

However, I want to make clear that taking on an “observer” role does not mean that you neglect your duties as a parent. On the contrary, it may actually require you to invest more time and energy as a parent, which was the case for me. For example, when my son came across a problem, I would watch him go through his process of problem-solving, all while in the background, I was preparing alternatives for him in case things did not go well. This takes more time, energy, and patience on my part compared to just immediately giving him the answer or direction on how to solve the problem from my perspective, but as with time management, problem-solving and critical thinking skills takes time and practice to develop. Speaking frankly, it wasn’t always easy suppressing my temptation to become a “coach”. However, the rewards of doing so were worth it in the long run. It led to a father-son relationship with consistent communication, open dialogue with willingness to listen on both our parts, and mutual respect; and it ultimately led to raising a son who is able to think critically and become a responsible, well-adjusted adult.